Blink

It's my daughter's second birthday today. Two tiny, whole, long and unbelievably fast years. Two years of late nights and early mornings and worries in my heart and head that I never thought I'd experience. My two happiest years, hands-down. The most abundantly full years of my life, overflowing with raw emotion and joy that only her birth has brought me.

I check on my babies every night, just because. I like to watch them sleep and hear them exhale with that soft little moan that only babies do. Last night I went in and the birthday-girl to-be woke up, sat up immediately. When this happens, she always says 'Tuckener-in', which loosely translated means, 'please lay me down on my pillow, give me my binky, tuck my blanket in and THEN you can leave'.

But she said something different last night, for the first time. She said, 'rocka-baby', which she has said on occasion, but never when I've gone in to check on them.

So I did. I picked her up, my little-big girl, and I rocked her like a baby. She turned toward me and fell asleep right away. And her face was just as sweet as it was two years ago, when I met her for the first time and felt a lump in my heart that hasn't gone away since.

I cried then, too....like I did when she was born. And I whispered in her ear, in vain:

"Please, not so fast...."

Graduate

I've been flying high lately. Two healthy babies, a good strong marriage, great friends and a summer of get togethers and warm evenings on my back deck. Yesterday I attended a graduation party for a good friend's sister. Family and friends flanked the sideyard, catching up on old times and congratulating the new grad. Kids jumped in the large inflated 'jumpy' and sported that red and sweaty face of childhood. Our friend's husband (okay, he's our friend too, check out his awesome music site, so talented) played tunes for the crowd and the whole afternoon just drifted by like those nights on our back deck, smooth and effortless. Well, not effortless I guess. We have a toddler who loved running around, and an infant who took naps between feedings. Our hands were full but we didn't even notice it, we had such a good time. At one point in the afternoon, my hubby took the 17 month old for a walk around the yard and the grad took my baby to snuggle. She's one of those people that you can give a baby to and trust her completely...she loves babies and she KNOWS babies. So I sat alone for a minute, under that crowded tent. And I watched. I watched my husband dancing with my toddler and the smile on her face that showed every tooth, even the ones not in yet. I watched our friend's sister show off my baby and keep her close to her chest, marveling at her little eyelashes just like a mommy would. And that's when it hit me.

I didn't miss out.

After a long, failed relationship, I drifted for awhile. I sat and watched my good friends enjoy the life I thought I was headed toward; healthy marriages and the blessing of children. I was sincere in my happiness for them. I was elated when I heard of engagements and pregnancies. There was no bitterness in my heart. But I was sad too, because I wanted to have those moments, and I was afraid that maybe I wouldn't. I'm always so grateful for the people in my life. It isn't lost on me. But it occurred to me yesterday that I was not on the sidelines, cheering for those around me. I was on the field, I was running. I was in the game.

I graduated too, I guess.

Splash

Today was one of those incredibly warm days. Suffocating to some, exhilirating to others. The kind when you walk outside and your shoulders are already cringing from the sunshine, your freckles rallying for position. I loved basking in it, but there was no time for that. I had a mission; get the pool filled before the babies woke up. That way it would be like bathwater by the time my toddler and I ventured in.

I filled 'er up and went back in to the cool shade of the kitchen, only to hear that she was awake and calling for me. She isn't one to ponder in her crib after a nap; she wants out and she wants out fast. So, off we went to do the perfunctory bum change and book read. She was thrilled to hear that the pool was filled up, and pointed to the outside window so that I certainly, absolutely, knew that she was interested.

In the pool we both went, sunscreen slathered on and hats affixed. It was, of course, much cooler because the sun hadn't had the time to do it's thing. But, we pushed on and in. Both my husband and I have introduced splashing to her, and she seems a bit unsure...you can almost read her mind: 'This feels kind of naughty, am I supposed to be doing this?'. For me, I want her to splash like crazy. Even in the tub. What fun is a splashless bath or romp in the pool? I don't want her to be the overly-sensitive kid at the pool party that can't handle a good splashing and needs to get out of the pool because she's ticked off. Then embarassed that she made such a fuss. I remember those moments, whether it was me or something I saw, I don't recall. But it left a taste in my mouth that some buggy pool water and the sound of her giggles, will surely wash away.