I had a colonoscopy

So, the truth is that many of you know that already. It was a few months ago and I've er...healed from it. I'm actually suggesting a few tips for those of you have not yet gotten the tube up your bum.

Tip 1: if you have the opportunity to pick your gastroenterologist (say that three times fast with a tube up your bum), may I suggest choosing an ugly woman or just a regular looking woman. Shoot, Cindy Crawford would have been alright with me. In my case, I ended up with a rather attractive GI guy. The meeting in his office was great! He was cute and funny and I felt confident that I had chosen a great doctor. Until he mentioned me needing a colonoscopy. That he was going to er...facilitate. With a tube in my bum.

Tip 2: Try not to say this in said office visit, "Um. So who does the colonoscopy? You? Oh." If you do say this, watch the horror and wide-eyed look. They see right through it.

Tip 3: When purchasing items for a prep, don't buy them from the asshole guy at Target who wouldnt' know a good colonoscopy joke if it wacked him in the face.

Tip 4: Also, when preparing for your 'prep', perhaps do NOT suggest to your hubby that he pick that evening for his night out with the boys. Although you may try and be the cool wife (see aforementioned post about vain efforts to be cool and laid back), maybe now's the time to make sure hubby is home to watch the kids as you do suicide sprints to the loo.

Tip 5: Seriously, rub your bum with vaseline. Seriously, just do it.

Tip 6: Enjoy the good natured pokes (I can't help myself with the bum-puns, sorry) from your husband about your bum tubing. You'll get the last laugh when he gets the two finger hiya doin' from his physician and walks funny for two days.

Tip 7: TRY and be cool about your kinda crush on your doctor. For example, when the nurses ask you why you are receiving a colonoscopy say this: "Well, Dr. SoandSo is just starting to treat me, and he wants to rule out anything serious."

Tip 8: TRY when being asked above question to not say, "Well he's been servicing me for two days so he wants to check everything out." Servicing me? Dear Lord.

Tip 9: Make the attempt to be cool when the doctor enters the room and starts to tube your bum.

Tip 10: Jokes are OK. Maybe not this joke: "I really hope you have some better hobbies."

Or this: "How much extra for a clean hose?"

(To his credit, my doc reported that he wasn't sure that my insurance covered clean tubes and that if I really wanted one I had to get there first thing in the morning). Damn! Cute AND funny.

Tip 11: Feel free to watch the flatscreen monitor that is documenting your procedure and marvel at the technology. But. Remember that you will be high as a kite. And therefore more apt to say "Wow...is that the inside of my bum?!" at KIND OF a loud volume.