Old Navy and their Crotchery

Dude. I can't even begin to tell you about my search for a pair of shorts this summer. It's painstakingly long and probably pretty boring for you unless you too share my long-crotched 'heavy about the leg' issue. It's three fold: I don't like to show my girly parts (read: this), I like for shorts to be breezy (as they are shorts for chrissake, I have capris already but it's July and there is sweat running down my leg), and I want to breathe normally when wearing them (read: not this).

If I'm being honest (and I like to do that), I'll look back and see that this short battle is not a new one entirely. Even as a heavier lass, I had the same issues with shorts. I even wore men's shorts (back in my Friendly Peanut Butter Cup Sundae all the time with Meghan but totally unfair that she wasn't fat Days) to deal with these issues. The truth? I'm cool with my situation. And by situation, I mean how my body looks. I am not trying to cut out favorite summer ice cream treats, I'm not abstaining from a cold beer on a hot day because of the 130 calories, I'm not even stressing about the size on my pants. I'm cool. BUT, I want to wear a good pair of shorts without people being able to read my horoscope, if you know what I mean.

Jen, we see from the pull on your crotch that you are a Sagittarius. You like moderate walks on the beach followed by a slushie. You enjoy scrapbooking but only when you do it about once a month. You are musically inclined, but you haven't really picked up your $500 (!!!!!) guitar since you bought your first home. You want to forget the year 2001, for the most part. You are fierce with a makeup brush. You are hairy about the chin area, but you make up for it with good teeth.

Etc.

So, I go on the search. The search actually is spread out (unfortch) over 4 separate shopping visits. The first three obviously unsuccessful, almost involving tears and maybe one frantic phone call to a friend (unfairly unfat Meghan) about why Old Navy makes shorts for people who have a two inch long crotch area. Or, crotchery. The search did include a Steven Tyler sighting at the Apple Store at Derby Streets. He was there with his girlfriend who tongued him mid-store so that everyone knew that his 85 pound bag of botoxed bones was HERS and she wasn't sharing. For the record, don't feel too bad for him because I was a meanie. He'll be okay. And he has 1456 gagillion dollars so I'm sure he'd be cool with it. Anyway, it seems that on the Old Navy assembly line, the women's shorts got mixed up with the junior's shorts...or even the children's shorts. I don't know. I can conjecture though that they did not try these shorts (and when I say these, I mean all. of. them.) on any woman that had given birth or had even really been able to give birth if you feel me.

Finally, after 5 stores and probably (honest!) 50 pairs of shorts. I found them. And bless their little hearts, they come in vanity sizes. That's right: when you know deep in your crotch that you are NOT that size, but the shorts fit? So, I fell for it. Docker's favorite fit denim shorts in a totally fun little size, you are the summer staple. I heart you and don't even care that you are lying through your denimy stretch teeth so that I'll buy more of you.