Gluten Free Partaaaay

I took my oldest daughter to a party this Sunday for kids who have Celiac Disease. We haven't been to many events, but I think she's old enough to enjoy herself and I wanted her to meet other kids who have Celiac as well.

I think, because it's such a part of how we live our lives, that I forget. I forget the fear and the panic when she was first sick, and we had no idea what it was. I forget about the week at Children's and her rapid weight loss and her bony body in the tub. I want to forget hearing the word 'mass' from the emergency room physician, forever. But on Sunday I remembered, because there were new parents there. You could tell they were new because of the panic in their eyes. Shoving by to get samples or to check a box or a new bread loaf. A nervous energy rippled throughout the event. They checked boxes feverishly, even though everything there was completely gluten free. They double checked with vendors. 'Are you sure?' They packed their totes with boxes upon boxes of gluten free stuff as if they'd never see it again. Their fear was fresh for them, like it was for us 3 years ago.

And I felt it too, with my daughter. She kept asking, "Mommy, can I have that?"

And I said, "Yes!".

But she kept asking. Because she knows she has to. Because we've trained her to.

And finally, I said something I've NEVER said to her before. "Samantha. You can have anything you want." And I filled up then, because it felt so wonderful to say it to her. And to know that she could, and she wouldn't get sick. No emergency room visits. No IV's and nurses holding her down to draw vial after vial of blood. No sore belly the next day from all night of wretching.

Nope, none of that would happen today. Just crumbs and buttercream frosting and sprinkles. Just a warm hand in mine, pulling me to another table of goodies. Just a smile that came from her toes. Just a really, really, really happy four year old girl.

Please see some of these links for fantastic gluten (and many other allergen) free foods:

http://www.allcaneat.com/

http://www.unlawfullygood.com/

http://www.aandjbakery.net/ This features egg and tree-nut free foods as well. Delicious!

http://www.katzglutenfree.com/

http://www.udisglutenfree.com/

http://www.glutenusminimus.com/

And, on Facebook, many of these companies have pages to 'Like'.

Please also check out the Children's Hospital Celiac Support Group on Facebook for great companies, recipes, and promotions.

Thankful.

For the early mornings and the tiptoe behind me when I rise to make my first cup.

For the beard my husband is keeping trimmed because he knows I like it. Grrrr. And because he's just wonderful and fantastic. And cute. And has a great bum.

For the pool at the Y and the people in it who make me smile every week.

For my strong body.

For my parents. For my parents. For my parents.

For friends who love me and my loud-ish ways. Maybe because of my loud-ish ways!

For the paycheck that lets me be in my head and reminds me of all the work I did to get here.

For school and the learning. I do love me some learning.

For old and new friendships. Like a bucket o' treasure I found in my backyard.

And for my own mat. Just big enough for me and my three.

Geneen Roth, "Women, Food and God"

"Diets are the outpicturing of your belief that you have to atone for being yourself to be worthy of existing. They are not the source of this belief, they are only one expression of it. Until the belief is understood and questioned, no amount of weight loss will touch the part of you that is convinced it is damaged. A lifetime of suffering with food will fit right in with the definition you've formed about being alive. It will make sense to you that hatred leads to love and that torture leads to peace because you will be operating on the conviction that you must starve or deprive or punish the badness out of you. You won't keep extra weight off because being at your natural weight does not match your convictions about the way life unfolds. But once the belief and the subsequent decisions are questioned, diets and being uncomfortable in your body lose their seductive allure. Only kindness makes sense. Anything else is excruciating."

Yeah. What He Said.

"People are itchy and lost and bored and quick to jump at any fix. Why is there such a vast self-help industry in this country? Why do all these selves need help? They have been deprived of something by our psychological culture. They have been deprived of the sense that there is something else in life, some purpose that has come with them into the world."

James Hillman, "From Little Acorns: A Radical New Psychology"

Get in the Friggin' Moment Already!

This is how I generally feel about the concept of meditation or the Zen-like experience I keep thinking I have to have to really appreciate my life. I'm just not a Zen-er. I like me some compost, and I love growing my own food. I'm all about organic milk, and I think waiting in line makes me a better person. I'm all about the big picture. But I usually just want to get on with it already.

So, although I thought I got the whole 'being in the moment' stuff, I couldn't ever really practice it when it was important. I'm cool when my luggage gets lost. I'm alright when my dinner is wrong at the restaurant. None of this stuff unnerves me. But the idea of just sitting and being....of being fully present and feeling what I'm supposed to feel without rushing to get on to the next thing? No dice.

Perhaps this is why I fought doing yoga for so long. Stretch? For an hour? And focus on my breathing? And my chi? All set with that. But everytime I do yoga...I love it. And wonder why I don't do it more. So if it makes any sense (it makes perfect sense to me), I'm going to be. No more constant self-help efforts. I'm done with dieting. Forever. Why do I have to keep on trying to make myself 'better' when I am just be fine with who I am and how I think and the way I feel? It's working for me. I have a wonderful life, blessings abound. Why do I have to constantly feel like I'm a boring chapter in a self-improvement book that will just sit, dusty, on the shelves until the next yard sale?

So, in the moment I am. And feeling it. The good, bad and ugly. Sometimes it's uncomfortable but most of the time....it's glorious. To feel the grass on my feet, and the rocks. To smell the breath of my babies, to feel my husband's hand on my back. To sit in a restaurant and hear the din of the diners and feel my hand on the glass. To talk about difficult things. To sit and stew and feel...whatever it is I'm feeling. But I'm here. I'm feeling. And I think you're on my chi.

In a haze of long summerish days and sweaty faces and papers to write, I've abandoned my lonely blog. If it had feelings, it would have it's arms crossed with me. 'Sure Jen, just use me when you're home with two small kids and no one to talk to. Just type on me whenever YOU need to. No, no! Don't worry about me. I know you have your playdates now and your work and your classes, but it's fine. I'm good. I'll just sit out here in the blogosphere and friggin' twiddle my thumbs while you think of something else to write about. Jackass'. Or something like that.

I wanted to write about guilt. But I can't, really, because I feel too damn guilty. I have two beautiful girls playing with the Noni, legs that are seriously too hairy for public viewing, and a video camera that needs charging for a gymnastics show later. So for my 4 readers, I will bid you adieu and be back on the scene like a sex machine sooner than later. Probably later.

A Walk

I've moved 17 times.

That's a lot. Yes, some of it includes college moves and crazy early 20's apartment living, but it still counts. Packing, unpacking, tossing and keeping. I always wanted to feel, in my digs, a sense of belonging and normalcy. That usually included a few key components. A dry cleaner: I need a familiar face when I drop off my blouses and ask them to pay some special attention to that spot on the right boob which there always seem to be many of. I was called 'Nips' in high school because in a completely unfair turn of events, an afternoon salad with Italian dressing made me look like a wet nurse. Fast forward 15 years later when I do indeed soak through my maternity shirts with the good stuff (I did consider ringing it out once, that stuff is liquid gold!).

Anyway, I liked having a mom and pop dry cleaner on the ready. And a library card. This was important. I love to read. Every night, I read. Even for it's 4 minutes. But I could get lost in libraries, often a spot to escape to when I was living with roommates (did I mention that I'm an only child and I. Like. My. Space.) and wanted to peruse the new Alice Hoffman or the latest Rolling Stone rag in a quiet little spot tucked between the mysteries and the large print sections. I could get lost for hours in a library. And I know that makes me a nerd, but it's cool. I've come to grips with my nerdiness. Nerdiness has served me well.

And what I always needed, no matter how brief my stay...was a place to walk. Of course I would have a variety of routes, depending on the time I had or the type of walk I needed. Is it a business walk meant for a workout only? The track will do. Is it a long walk kind of a day, with drop-ins to a downtown store (or perhaps to pick up my dry cleaning or hit the library?), I have a route for that too. Or maybe it's like the one I took Sunday. Long and lovely and sweeter than I imagined with a gentle wind at my back. I knew where the loud dogs would be, they didn't startle me when they jumped up against the gate. I knew where the guy from Ireland would be, waving to me and talking about the weather and how is daughter is in Quincy. I knew that I would see that lady I see all the time and we'd wave, and that we could repeat that for 20 years and still not know each other's names. And I remembered where that funny bump in the road was, and I hopped right over it. And I knew, as I came back around the way and my house came into view, that I really was home.

More Food. Hug a Tree.

This is a rice burger (GF but of course Sam doesn't like it!), chopped extra firm tofu, sprouts and any other kind of vegetable you can think of. Marinate with any sort of sauce (we went with a light Indian simmer) and it's a full meal of protein, carbs and fat and tons of fiber.

This is actually just a pretty little bit of Amy's Organic Palaak Paneer with steamed broccoli and a glass of the lovely stuff. Kids were away. So was husband. Oh, dear. It was lovely.

Just a beautiful salad (sideways yo!) with real blue cheese.

Sausage simmering for kale, carrot, garlic and onion soup.

If you do, make sure you throw the chopped kale in first. It can take a while to soften.

Seriously? Yum.

Food. The Picture Series.

Roasted butternut squash (or sweet potato) with cubed apple, pear and fresh cranberries.

Cinnamon. Nutmeg.

Lots of love.

5 Dollar Foot Long Munchkin Veggie Roll

I hope you can grasp from this photo (I'm taking lots of pictures of really beautiful and colorful food and I only think it's a little tiny bit weird not completely holy-crap-she-needs-more-work, weird) how amazing this meal was. The largest and most delicious portion of seaweed salad I ever did see. Extra shaved ginger and wasabi 'for the pretty lady' at no cost (you will always have me hooked with the pretty lady stuff, by the way). And 12, yes 12! fresh, scrumptious and completely satisfying vegetable rolls with cucumber, avocado, asparagus and sesame rice.

Now, in retrospect, I should have taken a gander at the lunch specials. But the whole experience was a whirlwind. Children's Hospital appointment for Sam and her Celiac Disease, trip over to hubby's work for 'show off your kid day' (okay, it was just us who did that), and at the same time, manage to squeeze a meal in for mom.

Normally we are planners to the nth degree. We go everywhere with snacks and meal and drinks (because we have to with our peanut), but I had a plan this day. I wanted sushi. I would have it.

BUT, it's a sushi place wedged between a Subway and a Dunkin Donuts. I'm not even kidding. So you start to wonder and listen to the naysayers (of which I was one)....really? Should I go there? Will it be fresh? Legit? The real deal?

So I try another spot that is recommended, Ma Soba. Fancy. Sit down service. Not flanked by fast food spots on either side. But not open until 11:30. I had a husband and two small tired, crankabotomous kids in the car and a short window of time before they became truly wretched and started throwing shoes.

So Osaka it was. Shoved into a little space, these guys worked the bamboo roll with deft precision and the craftsmanship of sushi masters. It was fast and fresh and soooo good. It was lunch and dinner. And I wasn't too late to the car and the kids.

But the shoes still came off.

Recipes you did not ask for. But I'm a giver.

Ginger Bok Choy Up In Here

1. Don't be afraid of the bok choy. It's the green stuff in all the sweet and sour chinese food plates we eat.

2. It's really good! Like celery on one end and crunchy romaine on the other.

3. Sautee some fresh or minced garlic in a medium-heat pan with some Pam spray or a spot of oil.

4. Add the chopped bok choy (as much as you want boo boo!) into the pan. Don't burn it.

5. Add a bit of marinade if you want. I went with the Archer Farms Asian Ginger Marinade. Ridiculous.

6. Add some bean sprouts at the end.

7. Add some protein if you want...beans, chicken breast, veggie burger. Tortoise. Whatev.

8. Eat it. Enjoy it. Tell your friends about it.

Roasted Root (come on, that's funny right?)

1. Bite sized pieces of butternut squash (or sweet potato)

2. Halved pecans or walnuts

3. Fresh whole cranberries (the dried ones become bullets and those aren't fun in the teeth).

4. Bite sized pieces (not too thin or they'll lose the sweetness) of apple or pear

5. Roast it for 15-ish minutes, keep checking on it.

6. I found mine to be ready when the cranberries were no longer tart.

7. Add a drizzle of maple syrup or honey. Enjoy with your favorite person and tell them how terrific I am for giving you this idea.

Butternut Squash Risotto

(this is stolen from Rachael Ray, but I skipped the butter, wine and sage...the kids didn't go for it but remember that they worship applesauce and hot dogs).

Ingredients:
One 32-ounce container (4 cups) chicken broth
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO)
1 small onion, finely chopped
2 cloves garlic, grated or finely chopped
2 cups arborio rice
1 cup dry white wine
One 12-ounce box frozen butternut squash puree, thawed
Nutmeg
Salt and pepper
1 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano cheese
2 tablespoons butter, cut into small pieces
10 leaves fresh sage, slivered

Directions:
In a large saucepan, bring the chicken broth and 1 cup water to a boil over medium-high heat, then turn the heat to low.

In a large skillet, heat the EVOO , 2 turns of the pan, over medium-high heat. When the oil is rippling, add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring occasionally, until softened, 2 minutes. Add the rice and toast for 3 minutes. Stir in the wine and cook, stirring occasionally, until mostly evaporated, 2 to 3 minutes.

Add 2 ladlefuls of the warm chicken broth to the rice and stir until the liquid evaporates. Repeat with the remaining broth, cooking the risotto until creamy, about 18 minutes.

During the last 3 minutes of cooking, stir in the squash; season with nutmeg, salt and pepper.

During the last minute of cooking, stir in the cheese and butter. Top with the sage.

Are you Really Suprised?

I really really really wish I were a better blogger. I wish I could run off and type all the things I think about all day, but you know I just don't. Dinners to be made and clothes to be laid out and floors to be swept and honestly, there are bottoms to wipe. Don't get me wrong, I can waste time like a champion (remember this?). Anyway, the detox continued to go really well. And then we ended up in the ER with one lethargic little girl (long story, really longer and the most important thing is that she's fine, thankfully) and the chicken salad sandwich the nurse gives you is in your gullet faster than you can say 'kale spinach frittata'. I kept going though, not perfectly, and made some really interesting (life changing? naaah...maybe?) observations about myself:

-holy crap, I CAN live on vegetables and I will NOT die.

-vegetables are really good and really satisfying.

-I don't need as much protein as I eat. I need far, far less.

-I actually don't have to eat the candy in the dish. (I won't die!)

-I really love good chocolate (Ahoooo! Cacao!) and I will eat it every day of my life. Detox bedamned.

-that wasabi vinaigrette stuff? Good lord. I could put it on just about anything.

-new recipes are scary but waaaay more fun. (See this super cool book from my mother-in-law).

-it's not about having less and being satisfied, it's about finding interesting ways to be satisfied that go beyond the carrot and celery stick. I made butternut squash risotto for goodness sake!

Onward and upward and I'm surprised that I'm surprised by how good it feels. Wow, taking care of myself (which sometimes includes Mike's Pastry from the North End) is good for everyone in my home.

I'm on the list, bitches! And I'm going to stay on it!

Peace, namaste.

Go eat some eggplant.

Day 3. At Work.

Work is historically a place where I 'screw up' any sort of good eating regime. Canisters abound everywhere with those peppermint puffy things that I could eat 20 of. And chocolate trays all over the place. A drawer full of emergency snacks and power bars and a coffee maker and a huge BJ's box full of mini-creams that really really should be used up already.

Breakfast of an egg white and baby spinach. Pear. Earl Grey tea.

So I was nervous. But I packed diligently and had a nice crudite dip: wasabi mustard mixed with good season dressing (made with some balsamic and only about 1/3 of the oil called for in the recipe). It was amazing! Three people came into my office and wanted in on it.

Lunch was a big salad with butter lettuce and baby spinach and a grilled veggie burger and the rest of the wasabi-grette. Really good. Really satisfying.

When is this going to be annoying? It's not yet. Maybe getting boring, but that's just due to a lack of creativity on my part.

Fresh fruit melon salad. Herbal mint tea.

Greek yogurt, large apple.

Got home. Some peanut butter and chocolate chips, dammitallstraighttohell.

Dinner was just like lunch but with an Asian veggie patty. Have you tried these, from Morningstar? Seriously delicious.

Gluten free pretzels.

More tea.

Not beating myself up about this at all.

Still waiting to feel bad. Still have good energy.

Day 2 of the Deet.

I thought I would crack today. The mere THOUGHT of my coffee percolating made me almost cry. But I didn't...I cheated a little bit and had a bit of caffeinated tea though because I'm all set with a 'whatthehellareyoudoingwhyhaven'tyouhadcoffee' middle finger I was going to get in the form of a colossal headache.

Breakfast was some fatfree greek yogurt and a just ripe banana.

Snack of hot soup before I trucked the girls out to the Y. Did indeed indulge in a few bites of their gluten free pretzels. Dammit.

Lunch: started off with some stir fried (no oil) bean sprouts with a splash of low sodium soy sauce and good ol' helping of Kimchi (spicy marinated cabbage, in the Korean section). Really good. Suprisingly. Pear. Raw veggie sticks. More soup.

Dinner. More soup with a mashed up (delicious) Morningstar veggie burger in it.

25 Calorie hot cocoa (this is kind of ridiculous and against my chocolate religion but I needed something sweet).

Not miserable by the way. Still want some carb crunch, but I want to molest the pretzels LESS.

(Seriously, have plenty of energy and wonder it'll be when I want to just pass out).

Oh, Detox. You naughty little minx.

I'm a big believer in not going too hard-core with the eating. I can't cut out a food group to save my life, unless it's licorice. Is licorice a food group?

I didn't last more than 2 days on the Master Cleanse, even though I bought all the lemons and ginger and raw almonds and field greens. I just don't have the ability, honestly. I also read time and time again that the body does it's OWN detox, naturally. It's called your kidney and your liver.

So a friend of mine suggested a more structured detox that's supported with some supplements and probiotics. It's vegetable and fruit-based, it bans coffee, and it scared the hell out of me.
I thought about it. Marinated. Decided I could. Of course I could! And after the holidays? Who doesn't need a good purge?

So...I went in. I bought the journal. I bought the 'cleansing fiber powder' which makes my rear end twinge a bit just by writing it.

I started yesterday. Sunday. The day of our Lord. I thought it was appropriate. Here's how it went down: (ps, I won't get into the habit of writing about what I eat. And you can always just go look at your US weekly, but you know what you'll see there? People talking about what they eat).

Sunday:

-green tea with lemon

-honeydew melon

-egg white

-veggie sticks

-homemade veggie soup with kale, leeks, carrots, celery, bok choy, stewed tomatoes, garlic and onion.

-add veggie burger to this

(this is really good!).

-marinated red cabbage with apple

-field green salad

-prunes (this is a no-no, but they were there and looked so delicious!) (See? I can't even go a DAY).

-scoop of low fat cottage cheese

-green mint tea

OK: I won't lie: I wanted to put my face in a bag of pretzels and just give it a big ol' motorboat. However, I kept my cool and was strangely satisfied. I think it's because I'm high from lack of fat and sugar.

Holistic. Or Not.

Holistic: eating a rainbow of fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds.

Notsomuch: Simultaneously shoving a cheese stick and a pretzel into your mouth at a stop sign.

Holistic: creating a beautiful soup of kale, French green lentils, carrots, onion and vegetable broth.

Notsomuch: Deciding the only missing ingredient is sausage.

Holistic: rubbing lavendar on my wrists at bedtime to create a peaceful sense of calm before slumber.

Notsomuch: lying in bed swearing at the tv because somebody can't shoot a goddamn free throw.

Holistic: organic cosmetics made from earthy crunchy ingredients and without an ounce of animal testing.

Notsomuch: crunchy mascara at the bottom of your Ziploc makep bag that you put on anyway.